Grace- How to Be a Criminal

In order for one to become a proper criminal, one must first read the proper materials. I recommend books like Nancy Drew, just stop before you reach the end, the endings can be depressing for beginner criminals.

One must also watch the proper shows. MacGyver is a handy show for anyone, good guy or bad, and a few old espionage movies won't hurt a bit. Just be sure that you don't leave any incriminating evidence behind like the bad guys in the movies do. Such as a handkerchief, business card, or ring.

Another good idea is to always wear gloves, no matter what you are doing. Gloves are absolutely essential to your crime career. They prevent your fingerprints from being traced.

Also always cover your tracks. There have been amateur criminals who have regretted their sloppiness in that area. For example, signing into your Facebook account at the house you are breaking into, and then leaving before you sign out is generally discouraged. Just ask ole Brilliant Bob how that turned out for him.

Another example is of the Turner Twins, these bright guys robbed a convenience store and then left a trail of candy wrappers right up to their apartment! Terrible crime flaws!

Here is a list of essential items that all good criminals must have.

• An evil sardonic laugh.
• A ski hat to pull over your face.
• 16 pairs of leather gloves.
• Handcuffs or rope.
• A getaway car that is always kept running. I recommend a black sedan, it is the vehicle of criminal choice right now.
• Black boots.
• Plenty of flips and turns to throw the good guys off.
• Disguises, loud clothing and too much makeup always do the trick of melting into the crowd.
• A villain lair. The base of operations. You can go high end and try somewhere in New York, or go all out as a villain and stay low end, sewers and green smoke are essential to this.

Now, one must also know how to talk when being interrogated by the person you have just captured and are trying to get rid of. First of all, they will try to stall you in order to gain time, be aware of this and don't let it slow you down. Leave the situation as FAST as possible!

They will also try to get you to boast about your evil deeds. Pride comes before a fall, do not let them lead you into sin. This is evidence that can be used against you.

Now when conversation is absolutely necessary, here is how you should respond to all common threats, accusations, and statements.

1. "You won't get away with this!" This is a childish and immature comment, it exemplifies and overdose of confidence, and can be distracting. Stay on target.
2. "Wait, tell me how you did..." Look them in the eye and respond, "My apologies, I am very busy and cannot stick around to tell you. Good day." (It is vital that we criminals stay polite, that will make us more popular with the public.)
3. "The police will be here any minute" This is true only about 25% of the time, but just in case you happen to be in the unlucky percent, exit and make a getaway immediately!
4. "You really seem like a nice person, I bet you really don't want to rob the..." Plug your ears, emotions can be very flighty.

So there you have it, a crash course on how to be a criminal.