Rebekah, That Good ole' Smack in the Face

You may be thinking "Oh my goodness, what happened to Rebekah?!" when you read the title to this blog, but by smack in the face I do not mean physical, I mean an awakening, an awakening of my spirit to be exact. I was having a rough time in school, I still am,not because of the classes, no not academically, just spiritually.

Something miss Tracy told me when I told her I had decided to go to Public school is that she could see me as being a light in the dark, some on God would use immensely. I just thought "oh that sounds great"! Little did I know that it would affect me this way. It's hard! I am a big chicken!

I don't mind talking to people at school most of the time, if their beside me or I know EXACTLY what to say, but for some reason it's harder when it means crossing the street to visit a neighbor I have been praying for, or even crossing the hallway to talk to a girl I don't know very well about something she told me, or worse, one I know really well.

I have cried numerous nights because I know I can't do it, I can NOT do it. It depresses me in every way if I get afraid to go talk to that one neighbor girl and then I realize that night that I probably directly disobeyed something God was calling me to do. I am so confused, so confused! I pray for a long long time when I feel especially sad or depressed. (Yes depressed. that hateful word, the one were you picture those black-and-white commercials where it talks about "could cause suicidal thoughts.. ask your doctor today".) But really it's not nearly as bad because Jesus loves me, It's more of on my knees crying and praying for God to forgive me, or praying for strength to do it next time I feel a calling, or praying for the person.

Ever since I was young I had so much compassion for people, compassion that can only come from the Lord. But I have NEVER been afraid to say or do what I know is God (and I've never been unsure if it was), ever. I don't know why but I just lock up and I feel sick, and I don't want to do it. I am confused because I don't know if it's of the Devil or not. I am confused because I pray for the strength and I don't feel strong when I feel this way.

Slap in the face #1:
I talked to my mother about this and she say's that she just prays until the feeling passes.
#2:
My mother also told me that God does not want me to be sad, he is proud of me even if I disobey him.
#3:
GOD DOES NOT NEED MY HELP TO BRING PEOPLE TO CHRIST
#4:
It might be something I need to do even if I don't want to.
#5:
How beautiful the feet that bring
the sound of good news
and the love of the King.
#6:
How incredibly selfish for me not to try to help some one else into the kingdom of God.
#7:
If it is God I will know exactly what he wants.

So maybe this helped you today. Maybe It just helped me to write it out. But pray for me, pray that there will be more of God and less of me, or all God and none of me.